I'm fairly certain I'm a horrible mother.
Unless there is a wet diaper or it's feeding time, I have no idea what my son wants. He will scream and scream and scream. You know what pisses me off the most? When people say "Oh! He just wants you to hold him!" No he doesn't. I'll hold him and he'll keep freaking out. It makes no difference if he's in my arms or in the bush out front.
Today has been an unusual day in the fact that he...is...crabby. He was fed on time, changed when wet, played with when alert, but apparently I missed the "signs" that he was tired (he took an hour nap from 10:30-11:30) at 1pm when he started FREAKING out like he was missing a leg. I didn't think he was tired. Actually, it didn't even occur to me. He was just screaming and screaming and I couldn't take it for another second so I put him on his belly in his crib (don't start with this SIDS shit, people), shut the door and turned on music. Once I calmed down (5 minutes) I went back in and he was SOUND asleep.
It's shit like this that makes me feel like I'm a terrible mother. How was I to know he was tired? I'm just supposed to KNOW? I haven't had any conversations with other moms (I don't know any but two and one of them has children in their teens) about 3 month old sleeping patterns. I haven't read any books that say babies need a nap every 2 hours. The book I did read said "When your child shows signs of sleepiness, begin the soothing ritual". Unless he YAWNS, I have no idea that he's tired. How am I supposed to know? Well, I don't. So as I fumble through motherhood, my guilt and anxiety increase.
My nerves are shot. I see other people soothing their children when they cry, books written by mothers who hold their babies for HOURS trying to get them to calm down...what do I do? I put him in his room and let him scream it out. And the other day I actually said "God! Shut UP! Nothing is WRONG!" in the car.
How is he going to grow up to be a good person? A caring man with fabulous people skills? Beats the shit out of me. Right now I bet he's on track to becoming a serial killer. What a fabulous mom I turned out to be!
